Blog Post 52: When Balancing Your Needs Is Complicated

We talk at length about the need for Type C people to focus on themselves more and say no more often. What about the times when saying no is much more complicated? What if there is an elder parent or relative who needs care? What if you are a single mom and saying no at work could seriously jeopardize your job? What if you have a partner who travels routinely for work and can’t help much with the household? Sometimes we ARE dealt very challenging situations – but we still have to prioritize ourselves to the extent we can. 

Type C’ers often feel an increased sense of responsibility for others, which can be influenced through family dynamics as well as society and culture. This feeling can reduce the ability to keep balance in their lives and is part of what drives the challenges of saying no to helping others - especially those for whom we feel responsible. In situations where the Type C’er feels more of a sense of responsibility, they tend to take on more and might not be able to balance their needs as equally as they might want. For a Type C’er, this situation will be even more guilt-inducing – and excessively difficult to think about balancing their own needs and thinking about self care. 

Take, for example, a mother whose adult child has medical and mental health issues that the child can't handle all by herself. The mother must make sure crucial tasks get done for her child – like paying bills, getting to medical appointments, and taking/refilling medicine. A mother with Type C traits will typically attend to many other responsibilities due to the guilt and worry that comes along with this sense of responsibility. The goal is to figure out what the child really can’t do for themselves and work on setting firm boundaries around what the child can do for themselves. An awareness of the cost of continuing to go above and beyond for this child is crucial to being able to set this boundary and realize when you can say no. A Type C’er needs to remember that saying yes excessively over time without awareness can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness and hopelessness – all of which can lead to burnout and other physical issues. In addition, with a child, if our long term goal is resilience and as much independence as possible, helping the child do more for themselves as well as experience times when someone says no to them is very important for the child’s growth.  

A second example here is a Type C’er caring for an elder parent. A common situation involves the imbalance of elder care with adult siblings. Often, non-Type C siblings do not feel as much responsibility, and may not feel the need to share the care and help out as much as the Type C’er – who takes it all on, ignores her own needs, and focuses constantly on trying to please the parent. In this case, the Type C’er must figure out the necessary tasks and then work to let go of what is not essential. This letting go involves sitting with guilt of possibility making the parent unhappy at times – as well as an awareness that doing absolutely everything for someone else has a significant cost on yourself. It is very easy to slowly burn out in these situations and not fully understand the physical implications. 

Often, Type C people are unwilling to farm out some of the work. Sometimes this is a lack of comfort with being assertive – being able to say, “Mom has a doctor’s appointment today, could you drive her? I need a break,” even if it is met with a negative reaction from a sibling. Even if the sibling is grumpy, and the task is not performed up to standards, the Type C’er has to work on loosening her standards in the interest of her own long-term health. 

These situations are very difficult. In addition to sitting with guilt, asking for help, and loosening standards - it is critical that Type C’ers make sure they maintain their own support systems, be kind to themselves, and allot some time for restorative activities that bring joy to their lives. And on a final note, this post is about people who do have help either with siblings or can possibly hire someone to help with tasks. In many situations, someone might not have these resources. In these cases, self care and balancing one's own needs can be so challenging. We would encourage anyone in this situation to think of any community resources that might be available like a church or community center or even neighbors. Looking for any type of support in these situations is our best suggestion.