Blog Post 62: Type C and Friendship Dynamics

When it comes to friendships, we Type C people often find ourselves in one-sided relationships. Because by nature we are giving and generous, we tend to attract people who need a lot of support and attention. If the rules in our minds are telling us "don’t let people down" and "don’t disappoint them", then we can thrive on feeling valuable and helpful to others. We find it rewarding to provide support because we receive a lot of validation from being a thoughtful, caring friend. Being helpful and supportive is not problematic in a healthy, balanced relationship - but because people with Type C traits tend to over-extend ourselves, people can take advantage. Friends might call us all the time, or let us pick up the check too often, and in more severe cases, they might ask us to do things that they would never feel comfortable asking someone who is more assertive or has better boundaries.

Another common friendship dynamic is when the Type C person does not share very much - we don’t want to burden someone else with our problems. We maintain a facade of pleasantness. We feel we must always present as doing well and always doing for others. We also avoid conflict, so we don’t communicate effectively when things aren’t going well. For example, a friend is taking all of our time needing support - yet we don’t ask for theirs in return!  These examples can lead us to feel anger and resentment, and the Type C person will hold these in, allowing these feelings to grow and become toxic to the relationship.

For Type C people, maintaining friendships and engaging in social activities can be exhausting because we feel like it’s our responsibility to make sure everyone is having a good time. We may expend so much energy asking tons of questions, being super thoughtful and excessively positive - and then burn out to the point where we start avoiding friends. This may lead us to feel guilty and ashamed of not being a good friend, and we can ruminate on this endlessly. Some Type C’ers may end up abusing alcohol to deal with these difficult dynamics. On occasions after drinking too much, a person with Type C traits may end up letting everything out with our friends, and then we end up feeling guilty for sharing too much, for being too honest.

What are some strategies that can help here? First we must recognize when the relationship is one-sided, which many Type C people are blind to. Then we must be brave and work toward being more honest with our friends. We might begin with small steps. If a friend calls and wants an hour-long support session, we could say “I’m happy to talk, but I only have 15 minutes.” We could invite a friend for coffee and share something that is not going well in our lives. We could ask for help with picking up a child, running an errand, or seeking advice on school issues. A Type C person will feel guilty or bad for putting their needs out there, yet this is exactly the practice we want to encourage. Many people with Type C traits did not have these options growing up and lack these skills. Like learning to ride a bike, we should start easy and practice, practice, practice while feeling uncomfortable. And finally, being honest or asking for small things is a great way to have better data about a friendship. If a friend is not willing to balance out the relationship, we must consider dialing down that friendship and seeking out others that are more supportive.