Blog Post 63: Type C and Language Styles

Often, Type C people use specific language in our spoken and written communications that prevents us from setting better boundaries. These language patterns are more than mere habits; they reflect our conflicting needs. We have a hard time being direct and clear, and we use a lot of softeners and qualifiers in order to mitigate the guilt we feel from letting someone down, disappointing them, or creating a burden for them. When asked to help, we might say something like “Well, I’m really busy, but if you really need me, I’ll help out if you can’t find anyone else.” We might come up with a lot of reasons why, although the ask is difficult for us, but we can’t simply say “No, I can’t take that on right now.”

We frequently over-apologize. (Women in general have a tendency to do this.) We say things in a more tentative, roundabout way so that we appear more likable and approachable. A classic example is inserting the word “just” - we say things like “I just think…” or “I just wanted to check” or “sorry, i just want to ask …”. “Just” adds an element of apology to these statements instead of simply stating an opinion or asking for help.

It’s important to be aware of these Type C speech patterns because they can lead to a variety of interpersonal issues with friends, partners, people at work. People may see us as easy to manipulate and as pushovers. The words we use and our language style can contribute to the burden and overload that leads to burnout. People assume if we say yes or if we offer to help even if it’s cloaked in phrases like “but only if you can’t find anyone else” that we are saying “I can help”. People are not mind readers - they are not in our heads and not aware of all that we are doing and the exhaustion we are feeling. Our goal here is to assertively and clearly state our needs and opinions. This will be hard at first so as always, we can start small - for example, being aware of using softeners like “just” and “I’m sorry” and working to state an opinion more directly.

Another typical Type C way of avoiding face-to-face conflict is communicating via text or email. Sometimes this is a good strategy - we may want to put things in writing for clarity and record-keeping. But digital communications are missing tone of voice, facial expressions, and so much information that helps someone understand what we are saying. It can be helpful to have an in-person conversation and then follow up with an email to summarize and solidify what was agreed to in order to prevent any misunderstandings. 

Changing language styles may lead to anxiety and worry about upsetting others, but in the long run what happens? There are clear benefits when people know more how you feel - relationships and boundaries will strengthen. You will also likely end up with less on your plate!