Blog Post 58: Seeing Challenges Differently

We’d like to continue the conversation about accepting our own importance. We may have been a victim of abuse, criticism, or invalidation at some point - and these difficult circumstances may be ongoing for some of us. But there’s a tremendous opportunity here for learning some of life’s bigger lessons: to look at the challenges in our lives from a different perspective. Instead of feeling victimized, we can see these situations differently - maybe if we encounter the same challenges over and over again, they are meant to teach us something. 

One lesson for people with Type C traits might be to learn how to use our voices. Speaking up is so difficult for many of us. We prioritize other people and do not stand up for ourselves. We say yes instead of saying no when no is the better answer. Saying no would likely mean upsetting or disappointing someone, and that’s too difficult for us, so we shrink away from this lesson - this opportunity to use our voice. I (Kore) have had many patients over the years who have been taken advantage of by people at work and even more sadly, abused physically and sexually in their relationships, because of worrying too much about upsetting others and not speaking up.

I (Anna) am Exhibit A for this particular lesson. I hit rock bottom physically after working straight through my second maternity leave - I was hyper-focused on not letting the team down instead of speaking up for my own needs. The start of my recovery came from reading Broken Open, a book by Elizabeth Lesser, which introduced me to the concept that no person on this planet escapes pain and suffering - this is part of our shared humanity - and there is a lot of knowledge to be gained from our struggles. I began to see a pattern of feeling powerless and not using my voice - which started in childhood with abuse at school (I even experienced selective mutism at times) and continued throughout adulthood.

This notion that there is a purpose in our struggles helped me to see that I’m not a bad/less important/unworthy person because I’ve had bad things happen to me. It also helped me understand that thinking of myself as less powerful and less important than other people really drove my Type C traits - which almost ran me into the ground. (Kore here) - Many of my patients who grew up in environments where they were criticized excessively or abused internalized the message that there's something wrong with me, I'm defective. 

With these challenges, there’s an opportunity to stop beating ourselves up, start treating ourselves with love and kindness, and start to work on how we can respond differently to the challenging people and situations in our lives. If we believe our struggles have a purpose - perhaps we can learn to change something to help us move forward in a healthier direction. And if our struggles have a purpose, then we ourselves have a purpose: we matter, our growth matters for ourselves, our families, our friends, our community, and larger society.

Note: we will continue this discussion with a future blog about how to deal with invalidating statements from people in our lives.