Blog Post 59: Invalidation From Others

Unfortunately, many of us who struggle with a "lesser than" self-image and have trouble accepting our own importance continue to receive invalidation from people in our lives. Sometimes this is in the form of outright abuse and sometimes it is more subtle in the form of criticism or dismissal. We have discussed in a previous post how to end an abusive relationship. We realize this is not easy, so please review the post if you think it can be helpful. 

Often, people do not always mean to intentionally hurt us with invalidating statements. Sometimes they believe they are trying to help - they see the situation from their perspective, and they share what they think is right for us. But they lack the ability to see things from our perspective. What they tell us can come off as critical and invalidating - and they don't realize they are being insensitive. And when people treat us this way, especially if they are people whom we care about, this can really keep us stuck. 

It’s crucial to become aware of these invalidating statements and to notice their effect on us. We can work to put some space between the words and ourselves. We can choose to not let the words affect us immediately. We can hear the words, reflect on them, and come to understand that people may not be fully aware of what we are struggling with. If someone did mean to intentionally hurt us, we may come to see that they may lack empathy and compassion. And that’s their issue, not ours.

Many of my patients (Kore) grew up with parents or family members who were invalidating - either with excessive criticism or unsupportive comments. When this continues into adulthood, Type C people struggle to change the dynamic. Usually, children don’t feel safe or comfortable talking back. They learn to suppress their upset feelings and not say anything to avoid further negative comments. Unfortunately, when Type C'ers grow up, they often continue to stay silent when family or friends make invalidating comments. And this ongoing  invalidation may keep us in a place of underlying sadness, anger, or resentment. 

In some circumstances, we can begin to change the dynamic by being assertive – stating our needs clearly without apologizing, while also indicating that we are trying to understand where the other person could be coming from. Being assertive might or might not help the other person to change, but it will most likely help us avoid the bottled-up anger and resentment we feel when we remain silent. And perhaps, even if the other person just makes the effort to listen, it can help us restore and strengthen our ability to speak up for ourselves.