Blog Post 34: Parenting as a Type C

Type C parents often take on the problems of their children. While this may be appropriate when dealing with younger children, older children benefit from working through difficult situations themselves. While we can certainly provide some guidance, we need to allow them the opportunity to improve their skills at managing challenges. Ultimately, if we step back from the rules in our heads, we can realize that what we want our kids to be is independent, resilient children. 

However, rules like "I need to do a better job than my parents did" can blind us to this goal.  Homework is often a flash point. Consider a child with a very challenging assignment that is causing a lot of angst. A Type C response might be to step in and help out, perhaps even to the point of doing the homework for the child. A healthier response that is more in line with the goals of having capable kids who can manage stress and problem solve is to acknowledge the difficulty of the homework, provide support when needed, but ultimately let the child do the bulk of the work – even if they don’t do it to the standard that we would prefer. 

Household chores are another example. It’s undoubtedly difficult for kids to manage academics, sports/activities, chores, and their social lives - kids are under a lot of pressure these days. Type C parents may lighten or even eliminate the chore load so their children don’t have to deal with the annoyance/additional work of doing household tasks. But not requiring children to help out denies them the chance to develop time management skills and sets them up to be slack roommates or partners when they are on their own. Not to mention that it puts more on the plate of the Type C parent, increasing the likelihood of anger and resentment in the long run.  

Often, Type C parents are reacting to a history of painful conflict in their own childhood which caused them to develop the rule of “I can’t upset anyone." They may feel the need to make everything right and make sure everyone is OK. Noticing these rules in our minds goes a long way in helping us to soften and question the rules and to work on re-balancing our own needs with the needs of our children. We also don’t want to perpetuate these rules and have kids in turn model our Type C habits.