Blog Post 33: Marriage and Partner Difficulties
This is one we could write a book on from our own experiences and mistakes along the way. Long-term relationships can be challenging for anyone … we ran across a funny quote that sums it up: “Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.” It’s no surprise Type C’ers need some extra help in this department -- learning how to manage conflicts, making sure we focus on our own needs, and not trying to solve the problems of a partner. Let’s take a closer look at each of these:
On conflict - Type C usually tiptoes around an issue instead of engaging in direct communication. Rules planted in our head from childhood and often reinforced by our culture may tell us we can’t upset anyone or we have to make sure others are happy. For example, having a spouse who is a big spender might make Type C uncomfortable; C would rather save more and invest for the future. A typical C response might be to keep quiet and suppress the feelings despite the anxiety it creates. But over time this can lead to anger, resentment, and distance. A healthier response would be to use an “I” statement here, something to the effect of “I see that it’s important to you to create a nice life for us with this roomy house, but the carrying costs are causing stress for me and keeping me up at night. Can we discuss our financial choices here and the possibility of downsizing?”
On focusing on our own needs - there may be serious division of labor issues when it comes to managing the household. Not wanting to disappoint a partner and always wanting to keep the peace, Type C may take on way more than she should, putting her at risk of burnout or a buildup of anger/resentment. This is a great opportunity to be a little selfish and ask for help, with a mindset that your needs are important too. The word selfish gets such a bad rap. It is so important to teach our kids that our needs matter too. Being a little selfish does not mean you ignore other people’s needs. So you might model this for your kids by saying to your partner, “I'm feeling overwhelmed by taking on too much. Do you think you could be in charge of taking over the laundry?
Finally on solving a partner’s problems - as we’ve discussed in previous posts, carrying someone else’s burden is a classic Type C move, cloaked in the spirit of being generous or helpful. An example is a partner who is having a hard time finding a job. Type C might overdo it here, networking on behalf of the partner, looking at job listings, writing cover letters and follow up notes, taking the lead on organizing the job search. While there is nothing wrong with being helpful, taking on too much in this situation doesn’t allow the partner to develop necessary job-hunting skills and of course harms Type C with all of the additional work. And more to come on how this excessive helpfulness can also hurt kids as well.
All of this is easier said than done, of course - changing habits requires practice and patience! Please email us at typectoolbox@gmail.com with any challenging partner situations you would like to share anonymously!