Blog Post 32: The Perils of Passive Responses
The Type C rules in our minds can lead us to act passively instead of actively. Some of the rules we’ve talked about include “I can’t let people down, I can’t disappoint them” and “I need to make sure everyone is OK and happy.” These rules can lead us to squash our own feelings and needs, and passively say yes instead of actively asserting ourselves and saying no when we need to.
Over time, the habit of responding in passive ways can lead to anger and resentment on our part if we feel that other people are ignoring our needs. It’s important to know that resentment can be unconscious; on some level, we know we are frustrated but are not completely aware that our buildup of anger may now be toxic to the relationship. Passive responses can also cause loneliness because we do not feel connected to people - we don’t really put ourselves out there. We don’t share our honest opinion or talk in a vulnerable way for fear of upsetting someone. Unfortunately, passive behavior can put people with Type C traits in a position to be taken advantage of by more aggressive or even abusive individuals. Obviously this increases the feelings of loneliness and disconnection.
Here’s a real world example of passive responses (Anna). I was asked to take on a leadership role for a school project. I didn’t really have the time or energy to take it on, but I wanted to please the asker and felt like I had a duty to fulfill as a parent in the school community. The role turned out to be a tremendous amount of work, and I dreaded it with every fiber of my being. As a typical Type C, I maintained a facade of pleasantness and got on with it, but I was grumpy underneath it all and resentful of the asker.
How could I have handled this differently? Kore here: First, keep in mind the three types of communication styles. The aggressive style which is communicating only your needs and not thinking about other people. The passive style or classic Type C, which is thinking only about other people‘s needs not considering your own. Finally the assertive style, clearly stating both your own and other people’s needs. This is the ultimate goal for the Type C person. For a Type C to communicate in an assertive way, the tool is a willingness to go against the built-in rules such as not upsetting someone, and then to sit with the guilt or anxiety that shows up. This is easy to say and super hard to do - but gets easier with practice. Keep in mind the cost of passive communication - anger, resentment, loneliness, lack of connection and feeling misunderstood by others - to drive your bravery at being assertive and putting your needs out there.
Frequent readers of our blog are now familiar with the delay tactic and I statements. Both could be used effectively in Anna's example. At first ask, a fine response could be “Let me think about whether I could take that on; I’ll come back to you.” Then, after careful evaluation and deciding to say no, I could say “I realize you are really in need of help and have given this a lot of thought. Unfortunately, it’s too big a project for me right now.” Alternatively, if I did want to be involved but not lead, I could say “I would love to be involved, but the top role is too much for me right now; I am available to talk about a smaller role, if that's an option.”