Blog Post 101: Living with Regret
Coping with regret is part of the human experience. When we care about something that didn’t go the way we wanted, the normal brain process is to review and analyze the event to protect us from having this emotional pain next time. Regret is difficult because it is such an unpleasant and intense feeling. Many people with Type C traits understandably want to avoid this feeling, and can struggle with managing it in a healthy way. But living with regret can keep us stuck in the past and unable to enjoy the present.
Often, Type C’ers experience extreme regret if we’ve made a mistake that results in disappointing others; we may get stuck in regret for our actions/decisions that led to the mistake. We may ruminate endlessly on the mistake and have a difficult time forgiving ourselves. Another common regret cycle is - for those of us who have become aware of our Type C tendencies, we may feel tremendous regret that we did not address them sooner. We may ruminate on our past decisions that were driven by our need to please others, many of which may be significant - career, relationship, education, parenting, and/or health choices. We may feel a sense of loss and sadness over “what could have been” if we were more aware of our Type C traits and how they impacted us.
How do we cope with regret? Here are a few thoughts.
Self compassion. We can treat ourselves with kindness, using kind self talk - reminding ourselves that we are human, that we are fallible, that everyone makes mistakes, that no one is perfect. We can also try a loving kindness meditation, or engage in kind deeds such as self-soothing rituals, self-care activities, or spending quality time with people who treat us well.
Acceptance. We can create some room for our thoughts and feelings, allowing them to flow through us without fighting them, running from them, or being controlled by them. Too often, we try to escape from emotional pain with alcohol, drugs, shopping, video games, TV/phones, and even self harm. Accepting our emotional pain and sitting with it is an act of kindness in itself.
Validation. Most of us tend to invalidate our own experiences. Our minds tell us there is something wrong with being in pain and that we should be able to handle it better. Sometimes our minds even belittle us - telling us we are weak or overreacting and to toughen up. This harsh, invalidating attitude is the opposite of kindness.
Connection. When we’re in a lot of pain, our minds will generate" thoughts like “no one else knows what this is like”, “no one cares”, “everyone else is happy”, or “why me?” If we get too caught up in these thoughts, we become disconnected from others - we are on our own, the odd one out. And the pain is more difficult as we suffer alone. To stay connected, we can do three things: 1) actively detach from these thoughts, 2) spend time with people who are kind and supportive, and 3) acknowledge that pain is common to humanity - and it means we have a heart, that we care deeply, that there are things that matter to us.