Blog Post 24: How to Handle Narcissists
Many of us have narcissists in our lives, either within close relationships or as acquaintances, and for Type C people, these relationships are incredibly challenging to navigate. What is a narcissist? Like all personality types, narcissism is a spectrum; we all have some narcissistic tendencies. On the more extreme (and abusive) end of the spectrum, a narcissist is someone with a grandiose perception of him/herself, lacks empathy, feels superior to others, doesn’t take responsibility for his/her actions, thrives on chaos and drama, and likes to manipulate and/or control others. Type C people are particularly vulnerable to abuse from narcissists because they have trouble standing up for themselves and are less likely to leave the relationship.
I (Anna) had a recent interaction with an acquaintance narcissist which was painful, but also a great learning experience. In a nutshell, I had to deal with this person parent-to-parent about an issue involving our respective children. Instead of discussing the issue rationally, this person took my valid parental concerns as an attack on their parenting style and caused a tremendous amount of drama which was damaging to everyone involved. They made it about them instead of the issue at hand. While this was mild in comparison to some dealings with narcissists, we all encounter this personality type and it’s worth exploring how to deal with it. Fortunately, I had some prior experience with narcissists and was able to spot the signs and patterns early in our communications.
To shut this person down, I used a very effective technique called the gray rock method, which is like the broken record technique but not as friendly! Because narcissists feed off drama, the technique requires you to be boring, unemotional, and unresponsive when you communicate. The objective is to disengage and give the person nothing to work with. Keep your facial expressions neutral, your responses vague and uninteresting. This may require some repetition on your part, but eventually the narcissist will move along to another person to attempt to control or manipulate. In my example above, as the drama escalated with this parent (which was over text), I stuck to a boring, firm, simple phrase to the tune of “my concern is valid and as a parent I see the need to address this situation.”
If you are in a very close relationship with an abusive narcissist - a spouse, co-parent, family member, or close working colleague for example - it’s worth working with a skilled therapist on how to best manage the relationship. For more information on the gray rock method, a great article can be found here. Please feel welcome to email us privately at typectoolbox@gmail.com with any stories on this topic you would like to share.