Blog Post 25: Asking for Help
It’s quite common for Type C people to have trouble asking for help. This could stem from several factors:
Worries about upsetting or bothering someone else if we ask for help
Worries about feeling like we should be able to do it all, and others perceiving us as weak if we can’t
Not having models of caregivers who asked for help
Not having the language we need to ask for help
I (Anna) ran into trouble here in the early days of parenthood. I had a difficult time asking my spouse for help, feeling like he should see what needed to be done and pitch in without me having to ask. And I hated the idea of being a “nag”; I didn’t want to constantly badger him to do things. Like many of us, I bit my lip, did the work, stewed in silence, and let resentment build. As you can imagine, this was not a super healthy relationship dynamic!
Over time, operating this way leaves us feeling exhausted and weighed down by all that we do. Anger and resentment build when we feel others don’t see how hard we are working. We can become frustrated when a boss or colleague keeps giving us more work - can’t they see how much we have on our plate? Often, when Type C people ARE offered help, we don’t take it - so people stop offering. If we finally do ask for help, we often feel so guilty that we ask the helper a zillion times if it’s OK they are helping; we may even take some of the work back.
What’s the tool to help here? First, bring awareness to these rules your mind tells you: “I can’t ask for help” or “I must do it all.” Notice what they make you do that imposes a cost on your mental and physical health. Next, sit with the uncomfortable feeling of guilt that comes with asking for help (journaling about it helps). Remind yourself that not pushing guilt away allows you to take care of yourself. Finally, ask for help with simple, direct, friendly language and don’t overexplain. “Could you take over the chore of emptying the dishwasher?” “I need some additional resources for helping with this project, does anyone have spare capacity to help out?” “Can we sit and figure out financially how we could hire some help around the house?” It’s also important to be aware if you feel the work of other people does not rise to your standards - and consider loosening standards to some degree in the interest of your own health. As the old saying goes, done is better than perfect!