Blog Post 14: How to End a Relationship with a Toxic Pushy Person
With difficult and pushy people, it is ok to use certain tactics we would not recommend with people with whom you want to continue a relationship. Once you have decided it’s time to end the relationship, here are some guidelines for how to do it:
Call the person or write an email or text in lieu of meeting in person.
If you must meet in person, do so in a public place, during the day, and with other people around.
Don’t apologize or explain.
Keep it short.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which put people on the defensive (more on this below).
Putting this into action, let’s consider an example of breaking up with a boyfriend that is emotionally abusive; he constantly belittles you and is overly controlling and possessive. You have made the decision to move on. Based on the length of your relationship, you feel you owe it to him to break up in person. Following the guidelines above, you would meet him for coffee during the day in a well-lit, well-populated coffee shop, and say this: “It is time to end our relationship. This is not working for me anymore.” This “I” statement is more effective than a “you” statement. "You" statements such as “You ignore my needs completely, you constantly belittle me, and you are making me so unhappy” can often be perceived as aggressive. Once you have delivered the simple, short, non-apologetic “I” statement, it can be repeated as many times as needed, using the broken record technique. Remember to not explain yourself no matter how much the other person may beg or plead to continue the relationship (and make you feel guilty). If it takes a turn for the worse, again don't apologize or explain. You can always get up and leave.
Here's another example of leaving a job. You have decided the workplace is too toxic and/or hostile to continue working there, even in a different position or department. You sit down with your boss and ask for a human resources professional to be present (if not, you could request another colleague). Using short, non-apologetic "I" statements, you could say "I've decided to leave the company; I don't see a path forward for me here. I'm giving my two weeks' notice effective immediately." Again, repeat as needed with the broken record technique.
One last note. Something is better than nothing. Don't beat yourself up if it takes you several tries to do something like these examples above. These are going to be the hardest situations you will have to deal with, and you must be kind to yourself in the process.