Blog Post 15: Good Girls and Cool Girls
Growing up, many of us received the insistent societal message to “be a good girl.” Many Type C women internalized this message, sometimes in response to harsh punishments, at other times in response to seeing people in pain if we did not comply. Being a “good girl” may have become a rule in our minds - we must be a good girl, we must please others, we must do for others, we must put our own needs last. We must be saints.
If there are challenges at home, school can be an environment where control is easier to obtain. The rewards from being the teacher's pet or getting great grades can further reinforce this "good girl" behavior.
At a recent Mother’s Day service at my (Anna’s) son’s Jesuit high school, the sermon was about this very message. After delivering a lovely talk on how a mother’s love makes children feel safe, and how much our mothers do for us, the priest ended with the question, “Do we live for ourselves, or do we live for other people?” His answer was crystal clear: we are intended to live for others, as mothers do. My ears perked up, especially given there were at least 300 people -- mothers and sons -- in attendance. Is the answer to this question so black and white? I walked away feeling no, the answer is more nuanced. This message that mothers are meant to sacrifice everything for their families can actually be harmful - the harm comes when Type C people overdo it, sacrificing their own health in the name of saintliness.
Similarly, as we entered our teenage/young adult dating years, many of us received messages from the opposite sex to be a “cool girl” … the cool girls don’t cause drama, they don’t get angry, they are fun, they most certainly never cry. In other words, they suppress their own feelings and needs. Plenty of incentive exists to be a cool girl - she is typically rewarded with lots of dates!
If being a "good" or "cool" girl is a prominent rule in our minds driven by society and our upbringing, what to do?
Step 1: Be aware of the rule; notice the “should” thought. Understanding where the rule comes from helps create distance. Remember these rules are just thoughts in our heads and remind ourselves that we can choose how to respond.
Step 2. Next, a tool - be a little selfish. The word selfish gets a bad rep but really it is a good thing. Be aware of what your needs are and make sure you are attending to them. When we do something for others, consider if they can do this for themselves (and think of this as a growth opportunity for them). Or, ask yourself, can this be delegated? We must remind ourselves that while we want to be generous and nurturing, taking this too far doesn’t help anyone!