Blog Post 79: Healthy and Clear Communication
Being direct and clear in communication can help us in so many ways. It strengthens our relationships, helps us with success at work, and ultimately improves our health. Many people - beyond Type C - struggle with communication styles, yet many are unaware they even need to work on this.
What does direct communication entail? Let’s start with what to avoid: over-apologizing, over-explaining/giving too many details, giving silent treatments, and going off on tangents to avoid the real points that need to be made. All these behaviors are driven by the fear that Type C people have of upsetting, burdening or bothering someone in any way. I (Anna) had a girlfriend who engaged in silent treatments - it was her way of avoiding conflict when she was angry, but I usually had no idea what she was angry about. This tactic is obviously toxic to relationships but is surprisingly common when people don’t know how to communicate their needs or their anger. If my friend was unhappy with a decision made by our friend group, she could not allow herself to vocalize her discontent in the moment. Instead she would pretend to be supportive of the decision and then stew in silence afterward.
To be fair, there are cultural or workplace norms that work against direct communication. Some work cultures value civility to the point of stifling active debate, and people have to couch their views in a lot of word salad in the name of good manners. I (Anna) worked with a manager once who would tell long-winded stories that were meant to make his points; he had a real fear of offending people so he would bury his opinions in these stories, and we were supposed to figure out his viewpoints accordingly. In cultures that value saintliness in women, being direct can be challenging to the social norms. Women have to be unfailingly pleasant which precludes assertiveness.
Our best advice about how to change communication styles is to start by clearly and simply stating your needs or opinions. It can always be helpful to motivate yourself to be direct by reminding yourself how stifling your voice harms your relationships and your body. You might ask yourself - if you are holding on to anger or resentment, is it being held somewhere in your body? If you had a magic wand to make sure that no one was upset or angry with you, what would you really like to say? For example, the girlfriend in the situation mentioned above could say, “I know the group wants to go to restaurant X, but that neighborhood is really far for me. Could we go to restaurant Y instead?” Preparation can help a lot - think in advance about what you want to say and how to say it to get the relevant points across. Start small with a low stakes opportunity to get some practice. Remember that there might be a bumpy period when your mind tells you this is unsafe, but once our brains start to record communicating directly as a helpful experience, it becomes easier and more worthwhile.