Blog Post 78: Why is It Hard to Ask for Help?

We frequently suggest that Type C’ers can better our health by asking for help. But this is very hard to do. In this post, we discuss some of the reasons why.

First, let’s go over the positive aspects of asking for help. The most obvious is an opportunity to delegate and free up time for ourselves.  Also, people truly like helping each other - it’s human nature, builds a sense of community, and strengthens ties to other people. Collaboration almost always produces better results - two heads are better than one, as the saying goes. And asking for help gives other people the opportunity to gain knowledge, learn new skills, and sharpen their capabilities. Asking for help also shows other people that you are not superhuman and can be vulnerable, which can make them feel closer to you.  When it comes to kids, asking for their help around the house builds their confidence and allows them to make a contribution. 

So why is it so difficult? Type C people likely learned from childhood experiences that upsetting or bothering other people, or being vulnerable would lead to some sort of negative interaction with them. Or we may have asked for help and did not get it. So as adults, we avoid asking for help to avoid experiencing negative emotions. We don’t want to burden others especially because we know how it feels to be burdened. When people do so much as Type C’ers do, many people in your life will reinforce and praise this great work ethic. At work, this can lead to worry that asking for help is perceived as a weakness. With children, Type C parents may be caught up in giving them a magical childhood in contrast to our own that is all play and no work - and no feelings of disappointment. 

I (Anna) struggled a lot with asking for help at work. I worried about burdening other people and also wanted to be seen as super capable. There were times when, if I had collaborated more, the end product would have been stronger and more polished. I’ve also struggled with asking my kids to do chores around the house. I hated the chores imposed on me when I was growing up. I became resentful about them at the time (though now appreciate the skills I learned) - and I didn’t want that relationship dynamic with my kids. I also have trouble asking friends for help because I know how busy they are. 

 If we are not used to asking for help, we might not know how. Our best advice is to be direct, clear, and simple - there’s no need to apologize or over explain. For example, ““I’d like to build a team around this project so we have lots of perspectives. Would you like to participate?” or “Could you serve as a second set of eyes on this report?” or “Could you empty the dishwasher every night?” Kids might protest when you ask for help which can push away Type C’ers who want to avoid conflict and also want their kids not to be burdened in the way they might have been. 

It’s also worth considering a response for when people say no or they are dismissive. This can be hard to not take personally, but people are busy and they are likely considering their own benefits/costs. Regardless of the outcome, we can congratulate ourselves for taking the step of asking, knowing that putting our needs out there is a step toward growth.