Blog Post 87: Body Language
On our podcast, we recently interviewed Lisa Solbakken about the importance of body language. Lisa is a New York City-based attorney with law firm Arkin Solbakken, and she has a fantastic perspective on this topic from her highly successful legal career. Her advice has tons of relevance for Type C people, so in this post we share the highlights of our conversation.
Owning your space. In our careers and in life in general, it’s so important to be an active participant in what is going on around us and grounded in the present moment. This allows us to be more aware of our choices. Type C people are often not in the present moment due to trying to make sure everyone is interacting well, that everyone else is getting along, or we are giving other people the spotlight. We play the emcee or peacekeeper and don’t share our own opinions. Not being an active participant and not being present can affect our physical presence such as how we sit or stand, and how we carry ourselves (posture and stance). These physical appearances can give people information about us that we don’t realize and might even increase the chances of being taken advantage of by someone else.
Developing posture and stance. Working on a confident and engaged presence takes practice and conscious effort. With posture, we must actively think about keeping our shoulders back. This might take repeated practice to develop muscle memory. Posture affects how we feel about ourselves. We feel less confident when we shrink or crouch down. It’s also helpful to create a default stance when we are not an active speaker. We’ve all struggled with how this should look - should I have my arms crossed? Hands in my pockets? Lisa made a conscious decision on how she would stand in the courtroom - an “at ease” stance with hands behind her back and shoulders squared. It’s respectful, engaging, and not intimidating.
Conflict situations. “Mirroring” can be an effective strategy in dealing with aggressive people. If they take a step toward you, in an attempt to dominate you, take a step right back toward them. They are likely to be quite surprised and may back down. If this feels too intimidating, you can also realize that not moving and staying in your space, meaning not backing up, also sends a physical message.
Authenticity and personal style. Most of us have felt the need to conform to how everyone else looks and speaks - figuring out our own style is a process for most people during the course of our lives. We work to become more comfortable in our own skin and accept ourselves for who we are. We start to realize when we are not authentic, it’s just not going to work; this usually comes through trial and error. When we’re authentic, we are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and this can be very difficult for Type C people who don’t like to upset people. But, we will garner more respect than if we are inauthentic. We must notice the costs and sit with this discomfort - these are strategies we have discussed in the past.
At the end of the day, accepting ourselves and our differences is taking good care of ourselves. Being engaged means we are putting ourselves out there and when we do that, we feel vulnerable which can be triggering if this is related to past painful experiences. Being present in the moment and more authentic can be quite stressful, so we must analyze the costs of avoidance and develop a willingness to be brave. Our body language sends messages to those around us. For Type C’ers who feel powerless, making some conscious changes to our body language can make us feel more empowered. All incremental changes are helpful in learning how to assert ourselves more and hopefully lead to improved relationships, less loneliness, and less fatigue.