Blog Post 86: Our Inner Critic
Everyone has a voice in our heads, an inner critic that has a constantly-running commentary on everything we do. From an evolutionary perspective, this voice developed to help us look out for danger. Type C people may have a louder inner critic than the average person, and this may stem from messages we received growing up. Perhaps we had a harshly critical or dismissive parent, or one who cared excessively about what other people thought of the family. We may have had an anxious parent who excessively told us that things could go wrong and to always be on the lookout for safety. The voice in our heads was significantly influenced by these types of caregivers, leading to current voices telling us a variety of unhelpful ideas like our needs are less important.
A harsh inner critic can also develop from traumatic experiences that left us questioning why something bad happened to us and not other people, and this caused us to feel defective. Strict religious upbringings can also be a factor - if we learned that God is a protector and we were not protected as children, we may have taken this quite literally, believing I’m not worth protecting, I’m a sinner, etc.
The inner critic typically tells us we are not good enough and not talented enough. It can make us feel like everyone else has it figured out, and that we need to work harder to prove ourselves. The voice can encourage us to do more and more. Listening to the inner critic can lead us to spend a lot of time and energy comparing ourselves to other people and feeling lesser.
How do we learn to manage this voice better? It’s important to keep in mind that we can’t eliminate the voice, but we can respond differently to it so that it doesn’t control us. We can try to unhook from its power over us by becoming more aware of what it says to us. It can be helpful to think about what we might look for in a motivational speaker or a good friend - someone who helps us and supports our growth. Is this inner critique really the motivational speaker we want to give a lot of time and attention to and make choices based on its suggestions? How does it affect our sense of self and mood?
To become more aware of our inner dialogue, it can be helpful to write down what the voice says and what it makes us do - ruminate, beat ourselves up, say yes too much, take on too much, put our needs at the bottom of the list. Mindfulness practices and MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction - see previous post) can help us slow down and identify what our mind says to us. Too often, it’s in the background and we’re not fully aware of the power of the inner critic. For those inclined, spiritual practice can help us align with our worth; we can question the religious beliefs we were taught as children.
We can remember that thoughts are not facts, and if critical inner thoughts are keeping us stuck, we can be more present in how we respond, keeping in mind what’s important to us in the long run as our guide.