Blog Post 66: Type C Parenting When You Had a Troubled Parent

If we had troubled or fragile parents, we may develop rules for our own parenting styles with the intention of protecting our children from a difficult childhood. For example, “I don’t want to be a burden like my parent was.” Or, “I want to have a better relationship with my children than I had with my parent.” Or, “I don’t want to upset my children.” Or, “I want my children to grow up in a calm and peaceful household.”

Most of these rules are obviously great for our children! But as usual, Type C parents tend to take them too far. We feel a tremendous amount of pressure to “get parenting right” - and so we often do way too much for our kids and carry a huge mental load as a result. This can lead to mental and physical burnout for us, and it’s almost surely detrimental to our kids in the long run. Doing too much for our kids doesn’t help them grow and learn from their mistakes. They may become too dependent on us to swoop in and fix their problems, which prevents them from developing their own independence and problem-solving skills. They can become spoiled or entitled, which will not serve their relationships well with friends, partners, or co-workers later in life.

There are many great strategies for helping our kids become more resilient and independent. We’ll highlight two. The first is consistency with emotional support and validation. It’s so important for kids to have a safe, non-judgmental space to express emotions and for parents to validate them - but parents can be too accommodating and supportive and not set proper boundaries. One example that comes to mind is a child who wants to talk for hours on end about friendship dynamics. A Type C parent might indulge the child and encourage endless discourse at his/her own detriment - we all have a lot to do and likely don’t have time for this! A better strategy is to listen and gently offer perspective - yet set a clear boundary for how much attention you are willing to give these friend issues. 

The second strategy is to let natural consequences play out. A typical situation that Type C parents often over-react to is when a child struggles with basic responsibilities. Maybe a child has trouble setting an alarm and getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe a child can’t get organized about homework and procrastinates until the last minute or simply doesn’t do the work. It’s hard for any parent to avoid getting caught up in these situations, but it’s particularly tough for Type C-ers who want to keep the peace. We know deep down that we should try letting consequences play out for the child instead of swooping in to save the day. So the child is late to school and has to deal with the embarrassment of getting a tardy slip or other consequences the school imposes. So the child has to face a teacher’s disappointment or disapproval and even get a failing grade.

We know deep down that pulling our child out of bed every morning or going overboard with homework help doesn’t help the child learn to be resourceful, manage time, and gain confidence in their own abilities. But it’s hard. Setting better boundaries with kids takes practice and patience. Awareness of our Type C tendencies is most important so we can understand the rules driving our parenting. We will feel guilty when we say no to our children, we will worry that we are not good enough parents - but we have to sit with this guilt, knowing that we are not neglecting or harming our children by giving them uncomfortable growth opportunities. Saying no to them, allowing them to feel disappointment, and even standing back while they face the consequences of their decisions will help them get better at dealing with frustration later in life and becoming the confident and competent adults we want them to be.