Blog Post 65: Overcoming the Legacy of Troubled Parents
Type C traits such as being overly responsible, trying to make everyone happy, and keeping the peace are very common in people who were raised by fragile parents. Fragile can mean a parent with an illness; one who was broken by an event in their own life, like war or political violence; one who is an alcoholic, or irresponsible; or perhaps a single parent who struggles with emotional stability. In these situations, a child has to grow up quickly and take on more responsibility than he/she should have to. They must be excessively thoughtful or caring, they can’t make mistakes or upset anyone. The child effectively becomes a parent, which robs them of a childhood. The seeds of Type C traits have been planted, and it’s crucial to be aware of these situations in order to get unstuck and turn in a healthier direction.
Taking on responsibility in childhood just to get through is often helpful in the moment. So is suppressing emotions in order to not be dragged down by the difficulties of life. Later on, however, we have to realize these rules of not upsetting others, being excessively responsible, taking it all on, or not wanting to burden anyone don’t have to apply anymore. Being aware of these rules that drive Type C actions and reactions is the first step to getting unstuck. It is brave to act differently, to put our needs out there, and to challenge the old rules by acting in opposition. We have to try to control less, start making time for ourselves, take on less responsibility, and start to say no more. It's very difficult, because we couldn’t do any of this earlier in life when we had to soldier on and suppress our emotions and needs.
If we do have a fragile or troubled parent, and are still relying on old coping methods, it’s important to be alert to the physical signs of burnout - headaches, insomnia, fatigue, and gastro issues being the most common. When these signs show up, take them seriously, seek medical advice, and amp up the self care.
The more we put our needs out there in a relationship, the deeper the connection we will feel, and the health of the relationship will improve - which will in turn improve our own health. We will also find out sooner rather than later if people in both our personal and professional lives are trustworthy.