Blog Post 69: Sex and Intimacy

Often, the seeds planted in childhood foster the development of Type C traits that can lead to issues with sex and intimacy later in life. We may have developed rigid underlying rules and beliefs about not wanting to upset others and avoiding conflict that leads us to say yes when we want to say no and to prioritize the needs of our partners above ourselves. In relationships, these rules can lead to resentment toward our partners. In the worst cases, it can lead to being taken advantage of or being abused sexually.

Intimacy issues may arise when Type C people become disconnected from their bodies because their minds and actions are focused on other people. This distance from our bodies can be protective earlier in life when a child needed to get away from very stressful emotions - that may be reactions to abuse, criticism, or not living up to very parental high standards. But later in life, this distancing can reduce one's ability to be aware of what feels good and what doesn’t and can complicate communication about sex.

Parents who may have withheld affection could also lead to a Type C person feeling uncomfortable with intimacy because they did not grow up with it. Often children think  “there must be something wrong with me” when they see other parents or caregivers treating their children in more loving ways. These feelings of being lesser or defective can lead an adult to feel that they don’t deserve to receive affection, love or pleasure. 

Another kind of destructive lesson can come from a volatile parent who is sometimes harsh or abusive and other times loving. This can lead to a Type C person feeling normal or comfortable with a partner who is aggressive or hurtful while also being intimate.

Both the physical and emotional consequences of Type C traits can also lead to reduced libido. These physical issues may be migraines, fatigue, stomach issues, and weakened immune systems. A Type C person might blame these issues for a lack of sexual interest without awareness that Type C traits are leading to this decreased desire. Anger and resentment towards a partner - common to Type C - can also reduce libido.

This is such an important topic and can be very difficult to talk about for many people. The first step for Type C people is to notice this as an issue -  which means reminding yourself that your needs including intimacy and pleasure all matter. The second is realizing that although very difficult and scary, working on your ability to be intimate and experience pleasure is an important part of a relationship. Individual therapy or couples therapy with a practitioner who specializes in intimacy is a very helpful option here. Stay tuned for a podcast on this topic in the next few weeks, we will be talking to a prominent sex therapist!