Blog Post 70: How to Safely Express Anger
People with Type C traits typically have difficulty acknowledging and expressing anger. These difficulties are often rooted in societal and cultural norms as well as in childhood experiences. A number of environmental scenarios can lead to patterns of suppressing anger:
A parent had a nasty temper, and the child learned a protective behavior - keeping quiet or withdrawing - to stay safe.
A parent was unstable or fragile, and the child believed it was unfair to be angry. Or that anger might trigger a troubling reaction by the parent.
A parent was often critical or perfectionistic, and the child withheld expressing anger in order to limit criticism.
Later in life, these patterns can cause negative ramifications for our health and our relationships. Physical issues can include stomach problems, migraines, reduced libido, tension in the back and shoulders, and depression. If we don’t express anger within our relationships, people don’t know how we really feel in certain situations, and this limits our ability to connect with others. Studies have shown that people feel closer to you when you express yourself honestly. We could go on at length about the negative impact of holding on to anger - but we want to shift and talk about how to safely express anger for the betterment of our health.
The first step is to get in touch with our emotional state - to recognize if we are angry and to understand why. This sounds pretty basic, but often anger is simmering under the surface and we’re not fully aware of it. If we can acknowledge it, we can then normalize why we are holding onto it; we can connect it to the scenario we grew up with, and practice self compassion for this past environment. We must remind ourselves that it is important to express anger in the present for the sake of our health and our relationships. We also must be aware that anger is typically paired with another emotion, like hurt, guilt, or fear. We might be angry because we care so much for someone else and we feel let down by them.
What language can we use to safely express anger, without losing our temper or engaging in passive-aggressive statements? Being calm and direct is important, along with a non-hostile tone of voice. “I” statements can work very well, where we clearly and directly state how we feel and do not put the other person on the defensive with accusatory statements. It’s also very important to express anger in person instead of over text or email: tone of voice and body language can help keep the situation calmer and safer.
Here are some examples of good “I” statements:
I’m feeling upset, I feel like we are in very different places regarding our finances. Can we find a time to talk about this?
I’m feeling upset about the balance of household labor. Can we work together to figure out a better system?
I’m mad that you broke the curfew, I care deeply about your health and safety, and when you’re not home on time I worry about you.
Expressing anger might not always sit well with the other person. They may respond with anger or frustration, they may even be aggressive in their response. Seeing how people react to you when you do express your anger using I statements can give you information about the relationship; in a healthy relationship, people should be able to express their feelings and have them validated. If the strategies outlined here do not work, more intensive work with a therapist to improve relationship dynamics may be a good option.