Blog Post 99: Setting Holiday Boundaries
Type C’ers who tend to over-give must be extra mindful of setting healthy boundaries during the holidays. Our health and wellbeing can really suffer when we overdo it. How can we ward off exhaustion and resentment? Here are some common situations that require saying no and setting limits:
Declining an invitation. Eager-to-please Type C’ers can feel a lot of guilt over the prospect of not attending an event. But during the holidays - between school, work, social, and family events - trying to be everywhere all at once is unhealthy and will burn us out. Of course we want to support everyone in our circles, but we must thoughtfully pick and choose the events that really matter the most to us. A graceful way to bow out is to say “I’m sorry I can’t make it this year. Let’s get together after the holidays.”
Overbuying. Many Type C’ers tend to be overly generous, sometimes even to the point of putting themselves in financial jeopardy. We must remember that simple gestures and gifts are perfectly acceptable. And if we are unable to match the extravagance of someone else’s gift, we can sit with this guilt, remembering that loyalty, trust, and support are the most important part of relationships and financial jeopardy is not worth it!
Volunteering too much. Type C’ers with school-age children may feel the need to pitch in with all of the holiday school events, usually out of guilt. We don’t want other people to take on the burden. Again, we must pick and choose thoughtfully instead of defaulting to yes when asked and remember the costs of doing too much. We can say “I’ve got too much on my plate, but I’m happy to help in a smaller way.”
Overindulging in alcohol. There’s a lot of pressure to drink during the holidays. Maybe a host wants to have a super fun & festive event and is filling drinks non-stop. Or, perhaps a family event is stressful due to family dynamics and we overdo it to take the edge off. Going in with a strategy can be helpful, like having one drink and then sticking to club soda or water the rest of the night - or nursing a glass of wine very, very slowly. The challenge is always staying with the strategy; it’s easy to reach for another drink when we feel stressed. Ducking into the restroom and taking some deep, mindful breaths can help. Continue to remind yourself of the costs of overdrinking. And always be kind to yourself if you end up overdoing it. Tomorrow’s another day.
Taking on the entire mental holiday load. Asking for help is so difficult for the Type C person. We take on most, if not all, of the gift buying, meal preparation, event planning, travel plans, holiday cards, decorations, etc. We don’t want to burden our loved ones so we take it all on, which depletes us physically and mentally and can lead to anger and resentment - which are not emotions you want during the holidays. We can notice these “should statements” driving our actions and instead ask family members to take charge of one thing - “could you take charge of buying gifts for your side of the family this year?” Older children may really enjoy some holiday duties, like managing the decorations or baking cookies for teachers.
And one final note, what do you notice is different this holiday when you set these boundaries? Hopefully you are less physically and emotionally exhausted, and you feel less anger and resentment toward friends and family.