Blog Post 89: Handling Conflict

The recent New York Times article titled “How to Handle Conflict When You Hate Confrontation” is such a salient topic for Type C’ers who avoid conflict like the plague. We first want to note that the human desire to avoid conflict is normal. Most people, Type C or not, want to maintain solid, safe relationships with their loved ones. Growing up, if conflict was associated with invalidation, fighting, or abuse, an even stronger desire to avoid conflict was created. These adverse experiences may cause Type C’ers to develop rules in our minds to stay quiet and keep the peace in order to keep ourselves safe. While these rules may have protected us in earlier environments, they may now be holding us back - at work or home or both.

Engaging in some conflict is, in fact, healthy. Good self care requires a degree of confrontation as we stand up for ourselves to create good health and the life we want. When we put our needs out there even if through conflict, we are more genuine - we show more of our true selves, which can bring us closer to people. When we reveal how we really feel in the midst of a conflict, we can strengthen our relationships through the process of resolving the conflict. Showing our true feelings about something also reduces anger and resentment in our relationships over the long run, and can lead to less loneliness. It is difficult for Type C’ers to go against the long-held rules of keeping the peace and prioritizing our feelings and needs below those of everyone else. When we break our rules and confront someone with our own needs, we must sit with fear and discomfort, or guilt of disappointing someone. 

I (Anna) have endless examples to share of avoiding conflict, particularly in work situations. One of the strategies discussed in the article is to start with people you trust, saying “I actually disagree with that”. One example stands out to me here - a time when I should have clearly voiced disagreement. I was pressured by my boss to expand the team and bring on a new employee. I could clearly see this was overkill, we could have used a flexible contractor or a part-time employee. Unfortunately I did not disagree and we ended up hiring a very capable person who didn’t have enough to do - which created a terrible work experience for the new employee, and a lot of stress and guilt for me as his manager. 

Why did I simply not disagree and push back? I didn’t want to rock the boat - my boss was trying to look good to his boss - we are doing all of this good work, we need more people, etc. He seemed so intent on expanding the team - everyone is fighting for resources in corporate america. I didn’t want to disappoint him by saying, “we actually don’t need this much help, we can solve this a different way.” I didn’t want to disappoint him with a different perspective, instead I told him what he wanted to hear. Looking back now,  I realize I also had an unhealthy viewpoint that people generally knew more than me, and this correlates to feeling lesser. The article terms this a “productive dispute” - which is so necessary in the business world. But I didn’t see it that way at the time, I was in corporate survival mode and trying to please. Weighing the costs of avoiding the confrontation is so important - in my case, thinking ahead to the outcome of hiring someone and not giving that person enough work, and how that would impact everyone. Instead of experiencing some short-term discomfort and speaking up, I then had to deal with a longer-term problem.

For Type C people, it’s important to realize that approaching conflict is one of the hardest steps to take in our health journey. Our advice is to start small, be kind to yourself, and start with the people you trust the most to disagree with or to state your needs. Using “I” statements can help to reduce defensiveness in the other person. For example, saying “I want to share that it bothered me when..” or “it made things difficult for me when …” In Anna’s example above, an “I” statement could be “I know it’s important that we fight for resources for our team, but in this case …” If possible, after you have shared your side, ask questions to try to understand the other person’s side. Why did they do what they did? Often, we can make assumptions which can further the confrontation. And if the conflict doesn’t resolve the way you want, be careful to not suppress feelings or hold onto anger - doing this can lead to physical problems like migraines and digestive issues.