Blog Post 39: Getting Comfortable with Conflict
We heard a story recently about a Type C’er who was working on a group project but was unable to voice her strong opinion on one element due to her intolerance of conflict. Instead, she sat silently, let her posher colleague do it his way, and watched as the project failed. Had she been able to share her thoughts and opinions freely, the project would likely have been successful. But her Type C traits got in her way.
What can help a Type C person who struggles with sharing thoughts, feelings, and opinions? It’s important to state that there is no magic wand here. Learning to be more assertive takes time, intention, and practice. There are a few tools that can help prepare for and engage in conversations that may get heated:
Ahead of time, be present with your rules. Note the discomfort and fear that someone might not like you, or that you will disappoint someone. Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions can take us a long way from Type C tendencies.
Motivate yourself by remembering the costs of Type C traits on your life.
Practice confident communication skills: be clear on your argument and consider all of the different ways the colleague could push back; have responses prepared.
During the conversation, use the broken record technique to get your point across if needed. (Reminder: keep it short, don't apologize, repeat.) Breathe deeply and stay grounded (thinking about the bottom of your feet can help here).
Afterward, sit with the angst that arises from engaging in the conflict. Be proud that you didn't give in to the Type C rules and that you shared how you really think and feel, even if it didn't go the way you wanted.
Type C people tend to ruminate excessively after encounters like these and beat themselves up if they didn’t make their points effectively or if they feel they really angered/upset someone. It’s important to consider the long-term costs of not standing up for yourself. Noticing the cost on yourself or the relationship when you become angry and resentful with yourself or with other people.
When worrying excessively about the conflict, it’s helpful to ask yourself “Have I given this some attention already? Do I think I’m going to come up with something new this time? What has this rumination taken me away from?” Usually, excessive worry takes us away from sleep or self-care. Try saying to yourself, "There is nothing new to explore here" and engage in a healthier, more restorative activity - journaling, reading a good book, calling a friend, or taking a walk.