Blog Post #117: Family Members Taking Advantage
We were recently asked to provide some comments for a Bored Panda article on the topic of being taken advantage of by family members, for not being able to say no. We thought this would make a good blog post, see our responses below!
How does being taken for granted within families affect an individual's emotional well-being and self-esteem?
Being taken for granted can make someone feel powerless and like their needs don’t matter. We may be someone who always prioritizes the needs of other people, and being taken for granted can reinforce the belief that “my needs aren’t as important as other people’s” and “I don’t matter as much as other people.” Feeling lesser can make someone more vulnerable to being taken advantage of by friends, family, partners, or colleagues.
Are there common behavioral patterns or signs that someone is taking advantage of a family member’s kindness?
Asking too much of an excessively nice person is very common as this “Type C” person typically says yes to all that is asked of him or her. Type C traits include not setting sufficient personal boundaries, carrying the burdens of other people, avoiding conflict, internalizing difficult emotions, and feeling excessive guilt over disappointing others.
Being dismissive of the Type C person is common - invalidating any feelings they have around the situation, or mocking or belittling them. Excessively nice people are also typically expected to be a peacekeeper within the family.
What steps can someone take to set boundaries effectively without escalating family conflict?
It’s important to start small. Family patterns may be deeply entrenched, and it’s difficult to stand up for oneself if you aren’t used to doing it. Let’s take an example where a Type C person takes on the job of hosting family for the holidays, including cooking for everyone. More than likely, the Type C has never complained even if they are secretly angry and resentful for doing more than their fair share of work. A small step might be asking family members to each bring a side dish this year.
Another small step is to use a delay tactic when a family member asks you to do something. A simple “let me think about that and get back to you” buys you some time to consider whether you really want to take this on.
Here are some good phrases to use to set boundaries with family members:
“I need a bit of time to think about it. I’ll get back to you shortly.”
“I’d like to help out but unfortunately it conflicts with other things on my plate.”
“Clearly, we have very different opinions about this. And your opinion is valid. Let’s agree to differ.”
“I realize this must be disappointing for you. However, I’m going to say no, because I just can’t find time right now.”
“I need some space; I have to get this task completed for work.”
“I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. I’m tired, and I just want to chill. Can we talk about this tomorrow, please?”
Are there psychological factors that make certain individuals more prone to being exploited within family dynamics?
This is not to make excuses, but often families where one member is being taken advantage of or taken for granted occur when another other family member is wrapped up in him or herself. He/she may be dealing with their own issues, which could involve mental illness - running the spectrum from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder to anxiety, perfectionism, or substance abuse - or significant health issues.
Our work revolves around Type C people who have a difficult time standing up for themselves and setting boundaries which often occurs when one grows up in a household involving the above situation. Type C people have deep-rooted beliefs like “I can’t upset anyone” and “I can’t disappoint anyone” and “I don’t want to be a burden” due to early learned behaviors with challenging family members. Because of these mind-based rules, Type C people default to saying “yes” whenever something is asked of them. Early in life this can be protective and safer to always go along so as not to create problems for others. However, later in life these rules are not always necessary and frequently cause guilt if one tries to go against them.
How does not setting sufficient personal boundaries contribute to individuals carrying the emotional burdens of others?
The first part of setting boundaries is acknowledging our own importance which can be very hard for people with Type C traits. From this point, we can work on becoming aware that we do not have to take responsibility for the emotions of other adults. Many people do, however, feel this sense of responsibility, and take on the emotional burdens of others. If people are upset or disappointed, however, it’s their job to communicate this, and their responsibility to work through those emotions. It can be helpful to realize the cost when we take on the emotional burden of others. What does this do to us mentally and physically? This can help us start to see the need for change.
What are effective strategies for individuals to avoid internalizing difficult emotions, especially in family dynamics?
Communicating our feelings might not have been safe when we were growing up. There may have been zero space for our emotions. And this may still be the case today. This realization can be very powerful - working to separate past from present. It’s important that we start small and work to communicate our feelings. They may fall on deaf ears, but at least we’ve put it out there and made our needs known. Also holding on to emotions can be detrimental physically and emotionally.
We must be very honest with our expectations. Wishing and hoping for people to change and then not seeing them change is only going to leave you feeling angry and disappointed over and over again. People only change if they want to change and most people are afraid of change.
Family dynamics can be very difficult so it’s important that we take good care of ourselves when we’re in tough situations/environments. Some good strategies are taking breaks, journaling, and calling a trusted friend. Working with a supportive therapist is always a good strategy for dealing with complicated or unsafe family dynamics.
How can someone manage feelings of excessive guilt when trying to balance their own needs with the expectations of others?
Guilt is a normal human emotion. In our Type C community, people tend to feel more extreme levels of guilt. The first step is to recognize the guilt, acknowledge it, and become aware of the mind-based rules that created it, like “I can’t upset anyone.” The second step is to sit with it and let ourselves feel it, even though it’s uncomfortable. This is like building muscle - it’s not always pleasant, but over time, we can tolerate guilt more effectively. We also must acknowledge feelings of being lesser and understand this is driving you to put others’ needs above yours. Also, consider the cost to your relationships, health, and career when you let guilt drive your actions.