Blog Post 97: Common Type C “Overdoing It” Situations” - Committed Relationships
Continuing our series of common situations that Type C people have difficulty managing, and what to do about it - in committed relationships, it’s common for one partner to be more Type C than the other which can lead to anger and resentment. Here are two scenarios that may resonate:
#1 Judy’s spouse Dan is super social. He loves to go out with friends and would be happy being out and about every night of the week. Judy is more introverted and while she loves an occasional night out, she also likes being home. She has a very difficult time saying no to her husband - she doesn’t want to disappoint him, she doesn’t want him to think that she’s no fun, and she wants to keep their relationship healthy. Going out too much sets her back, though - she tires herself out and both her health and work suffer. On the flip side, Dan has no trouble saying no to plans that he’s not excited about. Judy feels angry when she pushes herself too far, and she also is mad when she’s made sacrifices but Dan has not.
#2 Fiona and her partner Ted have busy lives as two working parents with two small children. Fiona takes the lead on organizing the children’s lives and while Ted is helpful around the house, Fiona carries the mental load of getting everything done. She tends to stew in silence because she knows Ted’s job is stressful and she doesn’t want to add to his burden. She has a difficult time asking for help without hostility. In the meantime, she is exhausted, overwhelmed, and feels like she is barely hanging on.
What can our Type C’ers do in these situations?
Be aware and sit with anger/guilt. Judy and Fiona can spot the rules driving their actions - “I can’t disappoint Dan” and “I can’t burden Ted”. Going against these rules will result in guilt and they must allow themselves to experience it. In both of these situations, anger is present and resentment is likely building. Our Type C’ers might not be aware of these emotions and it’s so important to experience and express anger so that resentment doesn’t take root and poison the relationships.
Communicate needs simply and directly. In situation #1, Judy can be very direct and say “It’s too much for me right now, I’m going to opt out. You go have fun.” And if Dan says no to plans she has made, she can respect that, or say “This event is really important to me, please make the effort to come.” In Fiona’s situation, she must clearly and frequently ask for help - for example, “Could you arrange the cake for the birthday party?” “Could you take out the trash every night?” “Could you take charge of holiday gifts for your side of the family?”.
If any of our readers find themselves in Type C situations like these - we would love to hear and write about them, anonymously of course. Write to us at typectoolbox@gmail.com.