Blog Post #115: Better Self Awareness
On our podcast, we talked with Dr. Lori Davis, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, relationship issues, and emotion dysregulation. She talked about her own Type C tendencies and shared strategies for managing Type C. Here are some highlights of the conversation:
Dr. Davis’s Type C tendencies include difficulty saying no, not always saying what she means, not wanting to ruffle people's feathers, being a great diplomat and peacemaker, taking too long to speak up for herself, caring way too much about other people’s feelings to the point of being lost in them, and having trouble expressing anger.
Physically, Type C manifests for her as fatigue, burnout, headaches, overstimulation, backaches, and GI symptoms.
In her clinical experience, Dr. Davis sees these traits as pervasive. Identifying them is a critical first step. Often people think they are simply a nice person. Labels can be normalizing; it can help to put a name to it.
The second critical step is to explore the origins. When did you first become a people pleaser? What was that about? Did it have to do with family, early caregivers, or friends? What events brought you to this place? Having this understanding can take away some of the self blame. Blaming yourself can take up a lot of your energy.
The third step is to distinguish past from present. Is something from your past playing out? Are you really getting messages from people that you can’t speak up for yourself? Sometimes we have to challenge our assumptions.
Progress is slow, you can’t change overnight. We have to test the waters. Try one sentence with a boss, for example. See what happens. Gather evidence - can I put my feelings in there? Can I assert myself without something horrible happening?
It’s important to identify when you’re getting exhausted. Is this fatigue from interpersonal reasons? Are you in too many situations where you are burying your feelings? We have to learn how to look out for these situations.
Writing is a terrific strategy for connecting to your feelings; you can reflect on how you really feel in certain situations. Making this a regular habit can help you make progress. Reflection can include noticing how you really felt, and did that look dramatically different from what you actually said? Often there are two completely different stories.
A great strategy is to use a delay tactic - when someone asks you to do something, say “let me think about that and I’ll come back to you.” This will give you a chance to reflect on how you really feel about doing it. Percolate on it. In the moment, you will feel guilty and compelled to say yes.
There are lots of great strategies - not everything works for everyone. Experiment and see what works for you. If you don’t like to write, another idea is to record a voice memo to yourself about how you are feeling and then delete it if you want.
You can learn that it’s safe to express your feelings, you’re not going to get in trouble. No one is going to yell at you. You can also learn who the safe people are - the ones who really want to know how you are feeling. We learn that we can engage in an argument with these people and the relationship will survive because it’s on solid ground.
Type C people can struggle with feeling worthy and sometimes this is from a message in childhood that you were not your own individual person and you learned how to revolve around other people. Dr. Davis starts with asking patients - what makes you unique, what makes you you? It starts with understanding that you are a separate human being and as such, you have a right to your own thoughts and feelings. Then, do you know what you are feeling?
A lot of Type C people think they are anxious all the time. And they might be. Often this anxiety is masking underlying anger, because there is no room for your feelings and the anger gets suppressed.
Cultivating worthiness takes time and it’s not linear. You may slip back at times. Maybe you are in a new relationship or situation that is a trigger from the past.
Sometimes success in managing Type C results from ending something - a relationship, leaving a job. Type C people have to be gentle with themselves - it took a long time to develop the traits and it can take time and patience to unwind them.
Dr. Davis has a number of self care strategies that work for her: taking a timeout when on overload, watching fun television, reading a book, taking warm baths with essential oils, writing/speaking into phone about feelings, gentle yoga, pilates, massage, reaching out to friends, caring for pets, walking with music, dancing, live music, focusing on having fun.
Book recommendations from this episode included The Self Compassion Daily Journal by Diana Hill, Ph.D. and The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.
Dr. Davis can be found on Instagram at @drloridavis and on her website, www.drloridavis.com.