Blog Post 56: Accepting Our Own Importance
A common thread with Type C’ers, who do so much for everyone else, is an underlying belief that their needs are more important than ours. Somewhere along the way, we have gotten the message that we were not worthy. Maybe this stemmed from abuse, excessive criticism, or significant invalidation from people early in our childhood. Many of my (Kore) patients over the years have shared feelings like “I’m not worthy”, “I’m defective”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m not good enough”, or “I don’t deserve to be treated well.” These beliefs can then drive the development of Type C traits. And sadly, once we start to act in Type C ways, people may take advantage of us, which reinforces the belief “my needs don’t matter as much as those of others.”
How do we start to change how we treat ourselves? How do we accept our own importance? One place to start is self-compassion. We are all human, we all have flaws, and we all matter and have needs. How has accepting and living according to the “I don’t matter as much as others” belief system hurt you in life? You don’t have to change the belief system. The key tool here is to be aware of how it has hurt you over the years. It is so easy to go back to the default way of believing and acting. But in fact, you can still be caring and thoughtful to other people as long as you also acknowledge your own importance.
Some Type C’ers can find this acceptance in therapy -- by exploring the roots of these destructive old beliefs and working to a place of acceptance and forgiveness for what may have happened to them. Other Type C’ers find it by following a spiritual path - seeing god in themselves and in all other people. In my case (Anna), this was a significant part of overcoming my “lesser than” belief that was exacerbated by my invisible illness. A number of authors helped me here: Elizabeth Lesser, Dr. Brian Weiss, and Brene Brown are at the top of this list.
Our views of our own worthiness will go up and down during our lives, so it’s important to check in with ourselves regularly and activate our self-compassion. And, if necessary, we need not be afraid to seek out and ask for help.