Blog Post 11: A Super-Effective Tool for Pushy People
How do we handle the friend, relative, or colleague who simply won’t give up? Pushy people are particularly difficult for conflict-avoidant Type Cs. And sadly, Type C people are often taken advantage of by their more-aggressive peers.
Some examples that may hit close to home:
A friend who is relentless in her efforts to get together
A fellow parent at your child’s school who asks for your involvement in any and all volunteer activities
A church/synagogue member who recognizes your musical or organizational talents and pushes and won’t stop urging you to participate
A colleague who pushes a far-heavier-than-fair workload your way
How can we say no graciously and assertively, and shut these (possibly) well-meaning people down? One tool is the broken record technique. In as few words as possible, acknowledge the asker’s need/request, and then politely decline, stating your own need. Repeat as many times as necessary, and do not deviate from your script. Here’s an example:
Thelma: Louise, your voice is so lovely. Why are you not singing in the choir? We need you!
Louise: I know you are always looking for people! My schedule just doesn’t allow for it.
Thelma: But you have this big talent! And we are really in need right now. The church needs you!
Louise. That’s nice of you to say. I know you need people! My schedule just doesn’t allow for it.
Thelma: Maybe next month will be different? I’ll call you then!
Louise: Thanks for thinking of me and for the compliments! My schedule is not going to allow for it.
Repeat, repeat, repeat - and importantly, notice if any guilt arises - which it likely will. It is unpleasant, but sitting with it gets much easier over time. We can say things to ourselves like “This guilt is unpleasant, I really want to help, she’s very nice, but I need to conserve my energy for my work and family right now.” Or “I don’t like feeling this way, but my health is really important and it must come first.” Asking yourself, what has it cost me in the past when I have given in when I wanted to say no? Writing statements like these on a Google doc several times and then erasing them is a great trick for working through guilt!
Being assertive and communicating our needs more clearly does not always mean other people are happy with us. But over time, being open and sharing more about what we need will help thwart anger and resentment, which are toxic and can lead to the end of relationships.