Blog Post 30: Momsomnia
A recent podcast guest, sleep doc Dr. Shelby Harris, raised our awareness of a very common phenomenon - momsomnia and revenge doom scrolling in the evenings after the kids go to bed. Moms with Type C traits spend so much time doing things for others that often it’s not until everyone else is asleep and they feel not needed anymore that they feel they can finally focus on themselves. Some moms can take this time to scroll on social media, shop online, or watch Netflix - which can exacerbate issues like insomnia, stomach problems, and brain fog - as well as lead to irritability.
Spending “free time” like this isn’t always conscious - it can be more of a default action, almost like drinking or eating absentmindedly to manage emotions of anger and resentment, or displeasure and loneliness. I (Kore) definitely get stuck in doing more things for myself virtually at night than is healthy for my sleep. And I (Anna) sometimes scroll during insomnia in the middle of the night, which usually revs me up instead of winding me down. These patterns are not something to be ashamed of - but we have to be aware of how they hurt us in the long run.
How can we make more time for ourselves and engage in pleasurable activities earlier in the day without stealing from sleep, which is so essential for our health? As we’ve discussed before, the first step is noticing that we are putting ourselves last - or in this case at the end of the day when we should be sleeping. Then, how can we take some of these things that we are doing and move them earlier in the day? This might mean we have to ask someone for help or delegate something to a family member. This also brings into our awareness what we are actually doing with our time and we can more actively decide if this really is a restorative activity or is it just mindless pleasure that maybe isn’t restorative in the long run. If the latter, what can we replace it with? (Clearly, this doesn’t mean we never go on social media or never watch Netflix, it just means we become more aware of how we are spending our time.)
And let's take a moment to discuss social media. We have to ask ourselves if this really is something we want to spend much time on. As Theodore Roosevelt said “comparison is the thief of joy.” Do we feel better about ourselves and more connected to people after scrolling on social media? It may instead leave us feeling depleted, like we are missing out, like we’re not good enough moms - then that weighs on us and affects sleep. As another podcast guest, Dr. Ilyse Dobrow Dimarco, noted a few weeks ago, we have to be careful to not get too wrapped up in social media - are we taking advice from people we really know well and like a lot? We need to be aware of the influences of other people’s voices and challenge our own thinking that we should listen to these people.
This concept of momsomnia serves to highlight that we might not be doing enough pleasurable and relaxing things for ourselves during the day. There may be a better bedtime strategy that leads to more restorative long lasting pleasure without negative effects on sleep - perhaps to watch social media or Netflix earlier, and then afterwards read a good book, engage in gentle stretching, or take a warm bath.