Blog Post 94: Four Core Skills to Manage Type C Traits
We developed a framework for Type C’ers to learn and practice four core skills that can help better manage Type C traits and prevent us from burning out or getting stuck in our jobs or relationships. We named this framework SASS - because oftentimes, Type C’ers lack a little sass!
S - SPOT the rules in our minds about disappointing or upsetting people - and notice the costs. People with Type C traits typically developed protective rules due to early childhood circumstances of invalidation, criticism or abuse. Some examples of these rules are “I can’t disappoint anyone”, “I have to keep the peace” “I can’t make anyone angry or upset them.” These rules are usually not in our awareness, they are background rules that drive many of our decisions, actions, behaviors, and reactions. Bringing them into our awareness can help us soften and question these rules.
A - ACCEPT your importance. Invalidating or traumatic childhood experiences can lead many Type C people to hold the underlying belief that “my needs are less important than other people’s.” Similar to the rules, this underlying belief can drive people to excessive Type C behavior which can result in emotional burnout and severe physical ailments. One place to start is self-compassion - we are all human, we all have flaws, and we all matter and have needs. We may have been a victim of abuse, criticism, or invalidation at some point - and these difficult circumstances may be ongoing for some of us. But with these challenges, there’s an opportunity to stop beating ourselves up, start treating ourselves with love and kindness, and start to work on how we can respond differently to the challenging people and situations in our lives. If we believe our struggles have a purpose - perhaps we can learn to change something to help us move forward in a healthier direction.
S - SIT WITH and tolerate painful emotions. Big emotions come up when we violate the rules in our minds, especially guilt. It feels like we are doing something wrong, or we worry something bad might happen when we go against the rules. We can notice these big emotions and normalize them, reminding ourselves “it is completely understandable given my past experiences that I would feel this way in the moment, and I need to get stronger at letting this emotion into my body and being kind to myself. I don’t need to to get rid of this emotion - when I do it means I’m often not taking care of myself.”
S - SAY NO thoughtfully, communicate directly and clearly with no apologies. Type C people often default to “yes”, so setting boundaries and limits at work and home is true self care for Type C. Here are some ways to say no thoughtfully:
“Unfortunately I can’t give that project the attention it deserves right now.”
“I’d love to help but my plate is full right now.”
“This week I’m slammed but come back next week and we can re-evaluate.”
“Thanks for the invite, but I have a conflict.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’m going to say no.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass.”