Blog Post 72: Domestic Labor Imbalances
This New York Times article highlights research on the imbalance of household labor between partners of different genders when both individuals in the relationship are working. Not surprisingly, this research shows that women are still doing more of the household labor and childcare than men, and the remote work trend that started during the pandemic has only exacerbated the problem.
Many of us are quick to claim that women are more organized than men, and therein lies the problem. I (Anna) know this dynamic all too well. I’ve often found myself angry that my husband doesn’t seem to value having efficient household systems as much as I do - and that I have a more process-oriented brain while his is more creative. I tend to use this as an excuse to take on more of the workload. And, as a typical Type C person, I put my own needs far too low on the priority list. And, I have often felt like my husband has a mindset of “well, she’s better at that, so I’ll let her do it.”
However, research on organizational skills among the sexes show that women are NOT better than men at multi-tasking or organization overall. In her book, Fair Play, Eve Rodsky cites research showing that women prioritize the career of the partner over their own. And the NYTimes article reports this as well, adding that it is true even when the woman is the primary breadwinner for the family.
I (Anna) am super guilty of under-valuing my own time. When our children were small, and I was doing far more than my fair share of the labor (and communicating very poorly with my husband about this), I most certainly was giving him more space for his career than I allotted to my own. We both worked demanding jobs, but his - a broadcast news producer - in fairness WAS more demanding than mine, and again I used this as an excuse to let him on the hook even more than I should have.
I (Kore) didn’t realize how much I put a premium on my husband’s time until reading Rodsky’s book. He’s a surgeon and I used that to justify thinking that if the kids woke up in the middle of the night, I should tend to them so he wouldn’t be tired and make a mistake the next day. This theory also bled over into the daytime, when I would take on all the tasks that came up to make sure he got enough time to rest and exercise. Once patterns like this are set, it feels hard to change them. But Rodsky explains that anger and resentment build up, and this can lead to irritation between both partners and kids when there could be better ways to manage home life.
How do we as women start valuing our time as equal to that of men? Awareness is key, of course - to first recognize if time is not valued equally. Rodsky’s Fair Play is an excellent division-of-labor system to implement. One of its core concepts is that a family member must own a household chore through conception, planning, and execution. For example, if the chore is laundry, the conception part would be knowing which laundry detergent to buy and knowing which clothes can be put in the dryer; planning would be creating a system for getting it done and managing buying the materials needed; execution would be washing, drying, folding, and putting clothes away. With her philosophy, if a chore is shared, this can lead to nagging, fighting, and criticism. In an effort to reduce conflict, the system also suggests a minimum standard of care - an agreement on when tasks are going to be done and how.
To truly create change, men have to be a part of the effort - it cannot be forced upon them. Detailing all of the things we do and they don’t do is not an effective way to get their buy-in; take it from firsthand experience here :) Men have to stop saying things like “I don’t know how she does it” and “she’s superwoman” - and instead realize that we are burning out. And we must reject this praise and not see it as a source of pride; to instead see it as a sign that we are not taking the necessary steps toward real self care - which is doing the hard work of creating a more equitable system using clear communication. It is also crucial for both men and women to realize the message sent to young boys and girls about their actions. We want to raise kids who grow up to have healthy balanced relationships and take good care of themselves.