Blog Post 92: Conflict Resolution - Conversation with Expert Elizabeth Clemants
For our podcast, we recently interviewed Elizabeth Clemants, a conflict mediation expert and founder of Planning Change. Many of her points were powerful for conflict-avoidant Type C’ers, so below we offer a summary of the conversation.
When there is conflict, something wants to change. This applies to conflicts with family, friends, work colleagues and all the way up to societal conflict. We have to figure out what wants to change, and sometimes this is difficult. If we don’t address the conflict, relationships can break down. Most people don’t have the skills to engage in healthy conflict. They see conflict as something that can damage the relationship, so they avoid it - but this is damaging in a slower way. It’s important to have the right perspective on conflict, and to build skills to engage in it.
Elizabeth discusses the concept of lower mind and higher mind in conflict resolution. In lower mind, our bodies are in fight or flight mode and we experience an adrenaline rush. We are thinking of safety only. Some people become aggressive, some flee, some fawn or freeze. We may do anything we can to fix the situation (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) because we really just want to get rid of the conflict and of feeling scared.
We can’t resolve conflict when we’re in our lower minds. We are not rational when we feel threatened and we’re full of adrenaline. When we don’t resolve conflict, we can end up feeling resentful because we’ve given up something important to us. Getting into our higher minds is the path to resolving conflict. Here, we can understand our own perspective and the other person’s perspective. In higher mind, a conflict is not that hard to work through.
There are two types of operating in our lower minds. The first is an irrational focus on safety - emotionally or physically. In the midst of the conflict, we might need water, air, time, deep breathing, and reassurance from the mediator or other party that we are committed to resolution in a safe way. The second is venting in a super emotional way. When someone is in venting mode, they need to be witnessed for the emotions, we must hold space for them to express emotions. They need to be seen/heard. It is possible to pop someone into their higher mind by asking a powerful question, like what does this relationship mean to you? Where do you want to see this business in five years? A powerful question involves a big picture or future-focused perspective that one has to think about.
How do we help people feel brave when engaging in conflict can be so triggering? A person has to share what they are feeling - we call this “share to be known”. Then we must “listen to know” without judgment. Often, people will try to blame the other person or talk about what they did wrong. But, we have to take responsibility for our own maturity, growth, and emotional stability. We have to share our inner world and what comes up for us. We often treat our relationships as if the other person should know what we need and they should act accordingly. This is not true. Becoming aware of our inner world and naming it takes bravery and takes practice. Type C people don’t always know what’s in there. But we must become aware of it and take responsibility for it.
Circle is a great strategy for helping to build the skill of naming your inner world. A talking piece is passed and you can only talk when you are holding the piece. If you are not used to sharing, you can build the skill if the space is non-judgmental. Journaling is also a good way to name your inner world. We can start to identify on paper what is happening inside.
Sometimes we have an idea of what we want a relationship to be, and the other person doesn’t share that vision. We have to live in the reality, not the fantasy. One person doesn’t get to dictate the terms of the relationship. We co-create the relationship. We can only accept people for what they are and what they are willing to give to the relationship.
Growing up, Type C people may have had to manipulate the environment in order to feel safe. This may have given us an incredible ability to read the room, to read other people’s needs, and to keep ourselves safe - but this is not thriving. Our instinct is to see if we are safe and figure out how to be more safe. Instead, we can “share to be known” and see where the chips fall. Some people in our lives may back away and others may come closer. This is healthy and to be expected.
Lots of Type C people say yes because they don’t know what’s happening inside, then end up feeling resentful. We say yes to make someone happy or to make ourselves safe. It’s better to default to saying “I’m going to think about it” - even if you plan to say yes. Give yourself space to evaluate it.
We can’t fix conflict for other people and it’s paternalistic to think we can. People are on their own paths, they know how to take care of themselves. We can only share to be known. Take for example a spouse who is working too hard and not sleeping enough. It’s not our business to say “You need to get more sleep, you need to take better care of yourself.” The spouse is an adult and can make his/her own decisions. Instead, we share to be known, we name what’s coming up for us - “I’m worried about you not getting enough sleep.”
A huge form of self care is relinquishing the need to manage other adults’ lives. We can still care, interact, and love without taking on responsibility for them. Even with kids, little by little we relinquish control and by doing that, we empower them. Another important form of self care is to shrink our lives down to a small group of relationships so they are deep and meaningful. We give ourselves permission to not jump to do something asked of us or say yes to so many invitations. Keeping a small set of relationships gives our lives spaciousness. It allows us to do less for others, which is so helpful for Type C who are prone to over-giving.
It’s healthy to think of ourselves as a system. Each of us is responsible for keeping the system healthy. We don’t ask someone else to save us or try to save someone else. Instead, we ask how we can contribute to the wellbeing of the system. Boundaries naturally become stronger and there is more abundance.